I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
