can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
