after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I think I just sharted jello shots
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
