I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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