The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
