On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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