Only a mothe r could love this liver
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
