theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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