just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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