can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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