we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
