tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
