Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
