My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
