matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
