How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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