your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
