The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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