YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
there was a trapeze. enough said
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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