my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
