I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I will pee on everything he values.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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