I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
