I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
