sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
