i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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