I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
