just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
