before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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