I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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