I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
