She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
