I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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