im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My ATM looks so different sober.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
