He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
