I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
A bitchslap is in order.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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