I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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