Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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