you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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