I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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