two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
