Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
