Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
