I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
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