everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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