Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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