Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
