Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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