i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
