I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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