This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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